Auckland PSI^TM  Institute & Youthline Waitakere

           Couples and Family Therapy tends to be more efficient than individual therapy because you get to work through your relationship issues together, as a team, and there is less tendency to relapse because it is easier for an individual to change when the family system changes with them. Relationship Counselling offers a safe place where each person can be heard, first by the therapist, and ultimately by each other.  Sometimes the therapist acts as a translator, but never as a referee. It helps to start by exploring the strengths of the relationship, and what makes for positive mutual experiences.

Relationship therapy here uses a combination of the effective approaches described below:

  Family Systems Therapy helps us to understand how interactions throughout the family system affect each individual. Changing the patterns of interactions can make a profound difference for the individuals concerned. This approach involves the use of a genogram- which is like an emotional family tree that maps out the family system pictorially, going up at least one or two generations to reveal generational patterns. This is a way for all present to get a history, and to see present patterns and how that all ties in.

  Somatic Family Therapy:  Incorporating bodily awareness work into family and couples therapy is very powerful and effective,  most especially for deescalating fights and for helping couples with sexual issues. 90% of communication is non-verbal, especially in intimate relationships. This includes such things as eye contact, tone and volume of voice, physical distance, posture, facial expressions, and hand movements. Yet most forms of therapy only concentrate on the 10% that is verbal. By paying attention to and changing non-verbal communications  between couples or within a family, deep change can occur rather quickly. This not only changes relationships, it changes one's physical and emotional experience within the couple or family.

  John Gottman developed a scientifically based approach to marriage therapy from his
extensive observations of and research with couples and families in his lab. One of his most
 important contributions, in my opinion, is the concept of the emotional bank account.   He explains that for every negative encounter there should be at least 5 positive encounters in the "bank account" to help the couple get through hard times. He emphasizes ways to build up this account in preparation for when it is needed. He also talks about recurrent problems, explaining that most (he says 60% of) relationship problems are not solvable, and that it is how the couple engages in and moves through the problem each time it presents itself (again and again) that determines the success or failure of a relationship.

   Imago Therapy (Harville Hendrix) presents ways for partners to be more loving and compassionate with one another. He says safety is the key to passion and intimacy. He suggests that we try to remember
the ways we saw our partner when we first fell in love, and work through our tendencies to project
our experiences with our parents onto our partners, so as to attain deep relational satisfaction. 

  Virginia Satir studied patterns of communication, and the impact of those communication styles, and developed an approach to teaching healthier communication, which I believe is absolutely key to effective relationship counselling.
 

I combine all of these approaches, emphasizing whatever works best for each specific individual, couple or family.

In addition, when relevant, I apply the insights I have gained from my experiences and specializations in  trauma work and in working with eating problems, to my approach to family therapy.
 

(c)  2001 by Judy Lightstone

For non-traditional families and couples see: Relationship Counseling Page      

        * This article does not apply to couples struggling with physical or sexual abuse. Much stronger interventions are required in those cases to first and foremost keep all parties physically safe.  For resources on this topic, please see: http://www.womensrefuge.org.nz/need_help.asp