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                                                                           *********************************************************************                                             Power and the Family by Judy Lightstone   ©2001

Types of Power:
I offer the following words and phrases
to use as reference:
Power Over
-- The ability to force others to do your will through physical or
financial coercion. Power inherent in social or economic positions, or
physical size or strength, regardless of skill or ability.
Shared Power
-- Power whose goal is to uplift or teach others to bring them to parity,
as with a parent/child, teacher/student, or psychotherapist/client
relationship.
Referred Power
-- The power others give us because they value, respect, and/or are
attached to us.
Expertise Power
-- The power others give us because they count on our knowledge and
judgement.
Power With
-- The power to be effective interpersonally, to persuade, to inspire (not
command) respect.
Power From Within
-- The power of growth and development inherent in all living things. The
power to change, to overcome obstacles, to face our own fears, to learn
new skills, to fail, and to try again.

The Critisicm Defense Cycle

Power can be used to destroy or create, to belittle others and
over-inflate the self, or to belittle the self and over-inflate others. We
may call the use of power to harm or belittle the self passive
power, and to harm or belittle others aggressive power.

Assertiveness,in contrast, can be seen as the use of power to enhance and respect both
self and other. Learning assertiveness, then, can be a way for people to
reclaim their rights to power and effectiveness in the world without doing
so at the expense of others. But to learn to be assertive, we must work on
our feelings of self worth.

To get our needs met we must act on a sense of self worth and value and give voice to our own needs, and give equal validity to the needs of others.When we respect ourselves it is easier to respect others. It then becomes possible to express our feelings without causing harm by making others feel worthless.  In a relationship, putting another person down will cause them to react in ways which keep a negative cycle going. Contempt and criticism from one partner will likely stimulate defensiveness and stonewalling from the other- which then starts the cycle over.  Here is an example of an assertive approach to problem solving.

Vignette

Mary does child care every night so John can go out with the "boys". Mary
becomes more and more resentful of John and their young children. Finally,
Mary initiates an assertive "conflict". She says:
"I understand that you work hard all day and need time in the evenings to
relax and unwind, but I've never pointed out to you that for you to relax
and unwind by going out every night, you are counting on me to stay home
with the kids, which is what I do all day. So I don't get to relax and
unwind and I become more resentful toward you and the kids and unpleasant
to be around. I need escape time too. I'd like us to work out a way that
we can both get what we need."

John agreed that Mary had become very unpleasant to be around (and didn't
hesitate to tell her so.) But after a number of arguments, they came
around to agreeing on an experiment. The experiment was that once a week
John would go out while Mary watched the children, once a week Mary would
go out while John watched the children, and once a week they both went out
while Mary's mother watched their children. The other two evenings they
all stayed home as a family. After two weeks of this experiment, not only
did Mary feel better, but John felt better as well because he was feeling
closer to his children and getting less resentment form his wife--and he
still had time to see his friends.

The word "compromise" does not adequately describe the process of creating
a "win-win" solution. Compromise implies that neither side really gets
what she/he wants, whereas often (though not always) in "win-win"
solutions, both sides get as much if not more than they wanted originally.
Power--the power of creative problem solving and acting--is mobilized
rather than suppressed.
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Helping a loved one with an eating disorder


Also link to: Women, Food and Beauty Group Forming in Auckland; Improving Body Image, Exercise, Obesity and City Planning: Who's Responsible?, Compulsive Overeating,  The Diet/Binge/Purge Cycles,  Techniques for Treating Eating Problems, Becoming a Non Compulsive Eating Family,  Fat, Thin and Power,  Thoughts On Dieting,  The Cathy Syndrome

Dear Psychotherapist.org,

My girlfriend has a problem, she will not admit it. She has the classic bulimia profile.
She has been over taking diet pills, energy drinks, and vomiting for the
last month (I think). She tells me she is not doing these things but then I either walk in as
she is throwing up or find a ton of diet pills. She has taken enough in
front of me to make her hands shake (I saw her swallow at least 5).
She always complains about being fat, though she is not,
 (she weighs about 105-110 and is 5'4"). As I said, she is not over weight at
all. She  tells me she has no problem and to leave her alone about this, but
I can not.  She is the mother of our child and I care and love her very much.
What I need is information on how I may help her, or  how I can get her to
realize she does have a disorder.  She also has a dramatic past life from before
I met her, (she and I have been together over 4 years).
 If you can send me some suggestions please I would be in debt to you.
 Thank you,
 oncerned partner
 p.s. I would like to take an extremly active part in  helping her.
**********************
Dear Concerned Partner,

It sounds like she is not hiding her bulimia very well anymore-- these things may
have been going on for a long time without your knowing. Perhaps she is
letting you catch her because deep down she wants you to help. You might
consider gently telling her you are worried about her and that you care a
great deal about her and don't want her to get hurt.  Be prepared for
her to deny any problems and to disbelieve that you care. It sounds like
she may have a history of people not caring. If she has others that are
close to her that are aware of this problem, you could ask them to do
the same as you are doing- but separately- one at a time- not all
together. If she hears it from more than one person
over a period of time it might eventually sink in.  If you confront her
strongly all at once she is likely to panic and to feel terrible shame.
This could backfire completely.  It usually takes time for someone to
develop the courage to ask for help. Then she's half-way there.  Therapy
takes time too.

Be gentle, loving, persistent and patient.

Good Luck!--- Judy Lightstone
**********************************************************************
Some helpful links:

Something Fishy Web site on Eating Disorders: Bulimia
How Licensed MFTs help Couples and Families
Couples and Family Therapy with Judy Lightstone, Licensed, PhD, Licensed MFT
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